Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
