best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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