Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize