My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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