Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
