I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am midnight drunk by noon
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
