Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
