I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
that's an acceptable place to lick
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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