Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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