Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize