just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just found puke in my bra..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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