i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
