I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
