dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
