everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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