Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
