You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
