its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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