my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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