sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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