i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
