My Higher Power is John Stamos
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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