Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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