Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
