Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
