I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
my poor anus
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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