just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
