Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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