It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
