i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
