he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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