If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
