My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
