Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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