I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
