I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
