I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize