I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
