I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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