fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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