Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
