Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
