i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
