Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
