3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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