I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
