id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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