my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I'm really busy with my period
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