Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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