I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I want to be your penis for a week.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
