i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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