rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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