Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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