hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
