Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
