also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
