I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
