My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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